When kids forget their lunch, can’t solve a math problem, or don’t know how to get somewhere, parents’ instinct is to intervene immediately. But sometimes a problem is an opportunity.
Developmental experts and educators say children need opportunities to solve everyday problems because problem solving is a skill that needs to be practiced.
The parent’s job is to know when to help and when to back off. There is a difference between helping children in difficult situations and fixing the problem before they have a chance to try. While an answer or AI-generated help may be seconds away, empowering children to figure things out on their own can be challenging.
What independence looks like depends on a child’s age, abilities and circumstances, but experts say it means learning to plan, make decisions, solve problems, recover from mistakes and figure out what to do next. Here’s how parents can give kids more opportunities to practice these skills, according to experts.
Pause before you enter
Children have unprecedented access to information, and technology has given parents more control over their children’s lives. They can track their children’s location, see grades in real time, and send immediate emails to teachers. This means parents can intervene before their children even realize there is a problem, let alone find a solution.
There’s a downside to that convenience, says Dr. Dana Suskind, a professor of surgery and pediatrics at the University of Chicago and author of Raised by Man.
“I think the most important thing we can give kids is not the answer, but the experience of understanding it,” Suskind said. When parents bully, children lose opportunities to practice skills like pausing before acting, remembering what worked before and trying new solutions, she said.
If children rarely have to struggle, this can lead to significant anxiety when they have to figure things out on their own, says Dr. Stephanie Carlson, director of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota.
When there is real danger, parents should intervene, but when the stakes are lower, they can slow down and discuss the problem. This may mean asking children open-ended questions: “What do you think?” What could have happened? How could you solve this? What else could you try?
Let the kids be bored
Allowing children to become bored, frustrated, impatient or nervous can enhance their learning and better prepare them for adulthood, experts say.
Boredom can promote creativity and play, helping children gain confidence and resilience, says Kirin Hoffman, CEO of the National Children’s Museum in Washington, D.C.
In “10 Rules for Raising Children in a High-Tech World,” psychologist Dr. Gene Twenge writes that children and teens have fewer opportunities than previous generations to spend time with friends, move independently, and make decisions outside the watchful eye of adults. By their senior year of high school, fewer teens have a driver’s license, are dating or have paid jobs than in previous generations, she writes.
Give kids a little more options
Parents do not need to come up with situations in which children can navigate. Routine tasks naturally provide opportunities for children to practice agency, experts say.
Nicole Noth, a mother of two teenage girls in Flagstaff, Arizona, began empowering her daughters to make small decisions when they were young. For example, at the age of five, she would give them $5 at the store and ask them to calculate how much they could afford, including taxes and discounts. Now, as teenagers, they go grocery shopping while her eldest manages her own credit card.
Jamia Cunningham-Elder, a mother of four daughters in Chicago, learned that there is no set age when children should do things on their own. She sees what each child can handle, then gives them a little more freedom and sees what happens.
If they succeed, they will gain more independence. If they struggle, she wonders whether it was a useful learning experience or a sign that they aren’t ready yet.
This approach also recognizes something important: independence does not mean doing everything alone.
Children who realize they don’t know how to solve a math problem and ask the teacher for help are also practicing independence. The same can be said for children who forget their assignments and figure out how to find information instead of their parents calling their teachers.
Know when to intervene
The same approach does not apply to every situation. Parents must weigh safety, maturity and circumstances.
Caroline Chirichella, a 37-year-old mother living in the Campania region of southern Italy, was trying to give her 8-year-old daughter Lucia more freedom. But she was hesitant to let her spend time outside with friends alone due to concerns about traffic.
There are other situations where the rates are lower.
Chirichella said she and her husband eventually stopped calling other parents or teachers when Lucia forgot to write down an assignment. She told her daughter, “Your homework is your responsibility.”
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